I Needed to Apologize to My Toddler Today

Guys, I apologized to my toddler for my bad attitude today. This definitely isn't a proud mom moment, but it is one that convicted and grew me. My daughter and I usually get along really well, but these last couple of weeks have been rough. We have had a lot of factors going against us, but these are the biggest:

1.) My daughter is a socially distanced extravert

The COVID19 social distancing protocols have negatively impacted Elodie the most in our family. She's a huge extravert and really misses people. When we go outside, she asks to play with other kids. When she wakes up, she goes through lists of people she wants to visit. It doesn't matter how we explain it to her, she doesn't understand why the library is closed or why she can't see her friends at church. So, she has been very whiny and expects her very pregnant mama to entertain her all hours of the day and fill that "people void." It's exhausting and not even the world of indoor toddler activities could fix or fill her need to be around people.

2.) Bye Bye pacifier = Bye Bye Mama's sanity

My daughter has had a pacifier from Week 2 of being alive. I remember trying to avoid giving her one, but after days and days without sleep, my doctor told me that it was probably for the best...and it worked. She loves that little piece of plastic and I always dreaded the day of taking it away from her. We have been trying to wean her off of it for awhile by strictly reserving it for sleep times. Well, a few nights ago, we couldn't find her beloved pacifier and it was her last one. So, instead of buying another one, my husband and I decided that it was probably time to cut it out cold turkey. As a result, she hasn't been napping as well, if at all. And if you are not a mama, please know that nap time is essential, for her rest, but also for a mama's sanity. It is basically the only time when I can be super productive, have alone time, and enjoy beautiful silence. Instead of napping, my daughter has been literally kicking the walls, complaining, whining, and crying. So this whole pacifier ordeal has made us both moody. (Hindsight 20/20: this is NOT the time to take away a pacifier).

Because of these two factors, I have been constantly telling my daughter that she has been driving me nuts. No sugarcoating it...because she HAS. Every day this week has ended with a headache. When my poor husband comes home from work, I immediately need to go in the other room just to have a couple moments of silence. I know I am "socially distanced" from friends and other family, but I really haven't gotten time to myself (which is essential for this introverted Mama). As a result, I've been really short with my daughter. I have been irritated and I can feel my patience dwindling every time she whines or gives me attitude. ANYWAYS, today we sat down for lunch together and this was our conversation:

E:"Elodie driving Mama nuts?" Me: "Yes, you have been driving me nuts." E: "Aww, Mama. I'm really sorry."

Guys. This was the first time my two-year-old daughter genuinely apologized to me by herself (which excludes times Dada tells her to apologize). And it broke my heart. I instantly knew that I...you know, the adult in the situation...was really the one that needed to apologize. It blew my mind that I could treat this little girl, who means more than the world to me, with such a lack of empathy. The truth is, she has been struggling with all of this change and uncertainty too and the least I could do, is stop and think about WHY she's acting the way she is and show more patience and grace. So I broke down crying, hugged her, and apologized. And you know what? We both acted better after that. I have been more gentle and understanding and she has been less whiny. Go figure.

This got me thinking about all the moms stuck at home with their kids right now. I know I am not the only one having trouble with this and I bet there are mamas who have it worse than me. It's hard for all of us and there are so many rough days. HOWEVER, after this little conversation with my daughter, I realized that I need to let these hard times grow me as a parent. These times have tested my love and shown me that I haven't been the best role model in how to act toward others during difficult situations. I realized that I am only empathetic towards my daughter when it's easy to be. I am graceful only when my daughter behaves well. That's not the parent I want to be. I want to be a parent who helps her handle her stress healthily, without adding more to it. I want to intentionally choose how I should best respond, before I just mindlessly react to an irritation. I want to show Elodie love always and give her some extra grace when she is going through a rough time.

So if you're at home and just feel the constant urge to scream at your kid(s), please stop and think about the hardships they are already going through. Ask yourself if your natural reaction is the best way to handle the situation...will it help ease it or add more flames to the fire? Think about the fact that how you are acting now is teaching them how to respond to difficult situations. And just breathe. It will be okay. It really will. No, we will never be perfect role models and we will need to make much more apologies down the road. And that's okay. Hang in there mamas, pray for each other, and try to show your loved ones an extra layer of empathy during this time.